| Wow. December 3rd, 2007. That's a year & 10 months ago. Hm. So many regrets. I can't blame anyone but my own stupidity&stubborness anyway. I never think before I say or do anything especially when I somehow end up crying and I have no idea why. I hate myself for that. I also hate how things are going. I feel so clueless now. I'm going home more often than I used to. I guess maybe I'm settling down from all the 'fun' I've had for the past 8 years of staying out late & what not. Or maybe I'm trying my best to listen to all the commands I am under of not being able to go out so I wouldn't be out late anymore. Or maybe what I say is really the reason, that I just don't know who to call to hang out with out being judged.. Ah whatever, it's time to grow up now..
2009 - my resolutions were not to be late anymore, don't count on
anyone, don't expect anything and mainly - don't cry anymore no matter
what it is. It's funny how I broke my resolution of 'dont cry' so many
times. I don't like being so sensitive & fragile. I don't like
the fact that crying is my only way to relieve my emotions, especially
when it comes down to stress and anger. Today I just cried again. It's annoying. It's like I've been living life as a baby for 5 years.. Ugh.It's really annoying. I know my friends or whoever I 'rant' or cry to are surely annoyed by it. I'm sorry.. I was all happy and fine today, and then suddenly I think I was thinking about my birthday and then doosh x.x beepbeep boom. sigh. It always happens when I'm at home.. maybe it's a sign saying I should live in a dorm with a friend :P
So it's like a week & 3 days late to post, but February 26th was my 18th birthday. It's the kind of birthday where you'd go wild & maybe just do SOMEthing illegal without getting caught or making your own fairytale fantasy come true as a theme for your party right? For me, it was pretty much the most terrible birthday I've EVER fckn had; it's the only birthday where I was actually sad the whole day&night, I felt forgotten, & I tried my best to act like it was an original day. First it just had to be on a stupid school day like every other stupid years, so half of the day is basically gone, then it reminded me of how things turned out last year. I didn't actually want to celebrate my birthday because I wanted a
surprise party, but I knew it wouldn't have happened anyway with how
things were going, and mostly, I wanted to spend it with girls and boys I am comfortable with, but
there aren't any girls for me to celebrate with because they were/would be
with their bfs, so oh well. I didn't want to celebrate either because I didn't know who to invite even if something was planned. I had something in my head already but whatever. I didn't want any gifts either because
truthfully I just wanted to be with my friends, the real ones, smile,
be happy, and make what's left of that night memorable.
It hit me with the reality I never ever wanted to believe, but now I
just have to - that people are REALLY not what they seem and never
expect anything from anyone. That day afterschool, I ended up in ct, just walking around aimlessly finding food and a bathroom to go to. By 6, I was at McDonald's with Robert; he was eating his burger meal and I sat there waiting for the bathroom then I kinda fell asleep on the sofa. He kept saying he felt bad and also felt like it was a bad birthday but I kept telling him with a smile, it's okay, it was just another regular day and told him not to worry about it. I went home after that and then just went to my room, did the usual internet stuff, called it night and slept to go to school. Oh yeah. Some dumb bitch had to bring in a birthday balloon for someone else's bday that was on the 16th, so I felt kinda stupid and weirded out because the balloon was singing Happy Birthday everytime you'd hit it. OH WELL! :]
The next day's mini-delayed-movie-night sort of made up for it with only 3 guys & myself. We saw the movie Taken that night on the 27th. The movie wasn't so bad, but the whole experience of waiting at Barnes&Noble at 14th from 2:30 - 6:30 numbed my tailbone and falling asleep was like waiting to for lunch at school. It took forever. My eyes were getting heavy while reading the Chicken Soup Book about Colleges and the magazines. I was literally about to sleep with my jacket over me in the kids section, but a baby came over and I started smiling and kinda woke up but after he was gone I fell back asleep. Then walking to Chinatown in the rain without an umbrella took like 20 minutes and it felt so much longer because I wasn't wearing the right shoes for walking long distances.
All I wanted was a happy thing to happen - more or less, something to happen, sooner or later. But, it was my fault anywayyyyy. I made a good wish though :) Whatevuh, I'm glad it past, I just had to get that out before I start to think about it again.
- great. now I sound like a fckn attention whore -.-;
|
| |
